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The Badgers Musings

1st July, 2009. 6:52 pm. rage (currently needs edit for formatting/spacing)


( Rage )



Current mood: angry.

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27th June, 2009. 9:55 pm. See Transformers in IMAX @ 9.50 pm on 06-28-2009

I have ... several EXTRA Imax tickets for the showing listed above. I need a few folks to fill those seats, willing to show up downtown around 9.20 to stand in line.

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21st June, 2009. 7:56 pm. An update, and a ramble, and the Conflict of the mind

Nothing hurts so myuch as the damage one can do to one's own soul. Being a good or nice person, in the way that I am, means that I feel a DEEP need to be the White Knight. Being the person that is turned to in a time of need is something that has always helped me feel... Bigger as a person. It may be the way I was raised, the Family I have, the friends I have had, the books I read.. Hard to quantify what makes me who I am today.

I am the sort of person who feels Empathy for most of what I see. I also tend to be the one that will somehow make his way through life with more empathy for others than for himself. This has been both good and bad for me over the years. It means I tend to have friends who will talk to me. It also means that when someone I have known for a while goes silent, my mind goes into panic response mode.

I have plenty of my own issues, and like many, have done my dance with the couch in the office with the nice plants in the corner. I have done the dance with pills, and gone back and forth till getting past that time in my life. I have seen the depths I can plunge to in the past, if given the chance to do so.

Friendships have been forged and tested, some broken, some new ones made. Changes in situation, in job, and everything else have occurred over the years both for m and those I knew and or cared about. all have taken their toll, for good or ill.

These days I find myself single, and not really looking that hard to change that. I find plenty of friends, both local and not, whom I can talk to. I also find that the circle of people whom I care about has grown, and that the list of people who have shared with me has grown with it. I find myself able to help more, be there more, and still have time for myself. I find time to hang out with people, and have even been able to add a safe haven to my home for friends who need a place to get away, or just to sit and relax for a few minutes. I find my savings growing, my debts such as they are shrinking, and my health doing well, and my personal possessions in flux, old things being reused or gotten rid of, new ones being carefully picked out.


I have been happy in my F150 I bought after my bad wreck last year, and have been enjoying life and my job.

The downside that hides under all this is darker. I have made new friends, some local, some very much not so. All are ones that I Empathize with to an extreme degree, and all of them are broken to some extent. The worst part for me is that I torment myself for the things I cannot fix, the one I cannot help, the ones I cannot reach. Hearing a cry of pain, or knowing someone sits alone and bleeds, and not being able to go and be a shoulder to cry on, a hand that bandages, a strong arm that defends is torment for me. I know, at an intellectual level, that it is not my job to ave the world, that it is not my job to be the defender of everyone I know. However, that makes it no easier to say goodnight to someone knowing they are in pain, or knowing they face danger. I must wrestle every day with both my own Demons, and my desires to fight the Demons of those I find overwhelmed. Even knowing that, were I to jump between one of these and their Demons, that I would be overcome and consumed, I still feel the need, still feel the call to do just that.

I leave with the thought that I find myself an anachronism. A man who seeks to be learned in everything, master of nothing. A man who can say the laws, code, and mottoes he learned as a Boy scout and believe them to the depths of his heart and soul. Who can look back at his time with service organizations, and every good dead he has done, even those that cost him more than they needed to, and feel only happiness. I look at what I believe, and find that the more it changes, the more the core of what I believe, about God, the world, and about my purpose gets stronger. I find that my desire to read, to know, and to learn gets stronger the more it is used. I find myself wishing for a simple world, Good and Evil, with myself able to serve good in some way, rather than the world of shifting alignments and half truths I find myself dorwning in many days.


I wish all who read this peace, and hope that none may find in this something that offends, for it is a distilling of what is in my mind these days, not a reflection of those who may read it.

Current mood: contemplative.

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